A KPI system is like a gym membership. Everyone seems to have one. But in practice, all you get is bruises from the dumbbells, zero results, and pride in a locker-room selfie.

Many companies dream of implementing KPIs. You've heard the promises: efficiency, motivation, transparency, a business-minded approach.

Now, honestly: how many companies make it work?

Too often, KPIs turn into WCA—"Where Can We Attach Them?"

  • KPIs for everyone!
  • But why?
  • What do you mean, why? They're KPIs.

Symptoms of KPI theater:

1. "We Measure Everything!"

Yes, but nobody makes decisions based on the data. Peak absurdity: a minibus driver measuring wind speed and then driving however he wants anyway.

2. "KPIs for Every Employee!"

The accountant, the secretary, the driver. And everyone gets the same metric: number of calls.

Creative KPI cannibalism: everything for the sake of a checkmark.

3. KPIs Are Invented in Excel Overnight With Copy-Paste From Google

The result: marketing gets a KPI for the number of flyers, HR for the number of events, and the head of sales gets "make sure everyone feels good."

4. Everyone Submitted Everything, but Nobody Understood Why

And the show of KPI shamans begins. Someone recalculates, someone explains why they aren't to blame, and someone simply takes sick leave during the review period.

What Goes Wrong

  • No connection to business goals. KPIs don't need to look pretty. They need to take the company where it truly wants to go—not where things are easiest to count.
  • Playing control instead of managing. KPIs aren't a whip. They're navigation. If KPIs are used to "make people work," that's it. The ending will only be funny when someone tells it as a joke.
  • No methodology or common sense. KPIs don't work on the principle of "let's invent something." They work like this: strategy → goals → chain → metrics → accountability → rhythm.

Now Seriously: How Do We Stop KPIs From Becoming a Parody?

Start with business goals, not Excel or templates. Where is your growth? Profitability? Scaling? Point the focus there.

Separate outcomes from process. If you set KPI only for actions—say, "hold 15 meetings"—you get an imitation of frantic activity.

Limit the number of KPIs. No more than three to five key measures per person. Employees shouldn't feel as if they're sitting exams in every subject at once.

Connect KPIs to motivation, but don't be crude. If KPIs become a way to "take away the bonus," motivation disappears. Digital burnout takes its place.

Introduce KPIs with training. Explain why they exist, how they work, and how they will affect each person. Otherwise, it's like bringing a Sapsan high-speed train to a village with no tracks.

A KPI is like a knife. You can slice bread. Or you can... do anything. The tool itself means nothing. What matters is who uses it and why. If you don't want KPIs to become a corporate bureaucratic poem with no meaning, start with thinking—not spreadsheets.